How can parents adjust their emotions and behaviors -- Cognitive therapy

1. A common problem In counseling, when parents talk about their emotions and behavior, I often hear the phrase: want to control, but can't control. With the child is easy to worry, angry at the child, can not help but criticize, scold, nagging, not good exam is very depressed...... Sometimes reflect on it, but also know that this is not good, but can not control, so lament a sound can not change, the next time "such a good play" as usual. For example, a mother said: Like everything must be better than other dolls, to be happy. Tell her this has a bigger problem, the mentality is not good for the child. Parents said: I know, but sometimes just can't control. There are also many parents who have been saying: the truth is understood, that is, the action can not keep up. CAI Zhenni and Yin teacher's books have read, why their ideas and practices in addition to highly identify with their own when it seems to run counter to it? What is the reason? So, how should we adjust these inappropriate emotions and behaviors? How can "the reason seems to understand, but can also do it"? Most people think of control by willpower, commonly known as "holding back", this method is necessary, but only rely on patience, practice has proved often failed. So is there a stable and effective way? 2. My experience This is a question of how to adjust one's emotions and behaviors, and the theory of psychological counseling is the knowledge of changing inappropriate emotions and behaviors. Cognitive therapy is a very useful approach. The principle is actually very simple, but in terms of changing emotions, behavior, it is a revolutionary shift in thinking. Twenty years ago, I was puzzled about how to adjust my emotional behavior. At that time, I lamented that "I hear the road in the morning, I can die in the evening". It was cognitive therapy that made me suddenly enlightened and opened the door of freedom to adjust my psychology. 3. Cognitive Therapy In simple terms, cognitive therapy is that your emotions and behavior are determined by your cognition, so to change emotions and behavior, you need to change cognition. To paraphrase the words of father-son relationship, introduce the classic ABC theory: in the ABC theory model, A is the event of the child; B refers to the cognition generated by the father after the event, that is, his view, interpretation and evaluation of the event; C is for Dad's emotions and behaviors. For example: the child does not eat as the father asked (A), the father is angry (C); The father reprimands the child (C) for failing to do well in the exam. Make A statement: Dad's emotional behavior (C) is directly caused by the child's event (A), that is, A caused C. (YESOR NO?) How many parents chose YES? My guess is that more than 80 per cent of people would choose YES if they just went by instinct. Most people think that A causes C. But the genius ABC theory (sorry, I'm too excited about it to be coherent) tells us that the child's event A is only an indirect cause of Dad's emotional and behavioral response C, while Dad's cognitive B is the direct cause of C. 4. Take two examples to explain the eating event with the ABC theory: it is also the child who does not eat according to the father's request (A), if the father has such a cognition B (idea 1) : the child has his freedom to eat how he eats, and now he does not eat much, and he will naturally eat more when he is hungry. You see, just imagine if there is such a recognition, Dad will naturally, rather than very angry (C). And if your cognition B (thought 2) is like this: boy, I worked hard to prepare a meal for you, but you don't taste good! That will probably cause more than anger (C). So facing the same event, under different cognition, will cause completely different emotions and behaviors. It can be said that in a moment, the child will get a completely different treatment. The same is true of the event of a bad exam, if dad thinks (Idea 1) : "There are accidental factors in the exam, it doesn't matter." This shows that I should improve the teaching method, as long as I put my mind to it, the child will definitely make progress." The dad is definitely calm, and so is the kid. But if Dad thinks like this (Thought 2) : How many times have I told you not to be sloppy and not obedient at all? The poor child will have to wait for the storm. 5. What kind of cognition do you choose? Maybe in both cases you now choose the second thought, but the first thought: This, can have! And, there must be! The first is a reasonable cognition, calm yourself, good for the child. The second idea is unreasonable cognition (psychological terminology), making yourself crazy, but also let the child be "destroyed". Of course, everyone is free to choose their own ideas. If you feel that you don't need to consider the child's feelings, if you feel that being a commanding parent is very cool, if you are too lazy to change yourself, if you don't take into account the child's mental health, if you don't care about the child's long-term development. Go ahead. You can always choose the second thought. 6. Identify your cognition Maybe some parents will ask: I feel "angry without thinking" every time, you said that the cognition between the event and emotional behavior, how am I not aware of it? That's true, and it's a question most parents have. Let me explain in technical terms: human cognition and thinking are divided into: rational thinking, automatic thinking (including intuitive thinking and habitual thinking) and core beliefs. (1) Rational thinking This is the most familiar. Generally speaking, that is, the cognition and ideas that are generated when you are thinking intentionally, and at this time, because you are thinking intentionally, you can naturally be aware of it. Think about how to do it, what to cook for dinner, what to do on the weekend (note: rational thinking here is not the same as rational thinking). (2) Automatic thinking Automatic thinking is usually an idea or cognition that occurs automatically under the stimulus of a certain event. Usually includes intuitive thinking and habitual thinking in two forms A: intuitive thinking with children, family, there will be a lot of things, you will have a corresponding response. See children do homework dilly-dallying, you will immediately have a reaction: how so disobedient, not sensible! This response is not deeply thought about, but directly based on your experience, ideas, etc., immediately, so to speak, in a second immediately, people often ignore the cognitive process in which. At this time, many judgments, reasoning and thinking appear to be vague, jumping, much like some automatic reactions, which is intuitive thinking. It can be imagined that the conclusion that comes to mind immediately is naturally difficult to be comprehensive, reasonable, and properly grasped, so unreasonable is often a thing. B: Habitual thinking Habitual thinking is the cognition and ideas that you have formed habits and automatically appear in certain situations. Most parents think that parenting is not to learn, or can not find a good guide, so they will rely on their own feelings or simple thinking, take it for granted to form some guidance to treat their children's thoughts, : treat the child to be strict, the child should be frustrated education, the child should be obedient, play is a pro is love, learning is the first, the results must be good and so on. These perceptions or thoughts are naturally one-sided or inappropriate. So it's often irrational. In the process of thinking, some wrong ideas form a fixed habit of thinking and are preserved and habitually appear, and parents naturally ignore and pay no attention to them, so that parents can not reflect on and criticize these wrong cognitive ideas. (3) Core beliefs You are angry and angry, and automated thinking can often be found behind this emotion and behavior. It's not a mystery at all. If people have to think about everything intentionally, they are not exhausted, so in most cases they are intuitive thinking. And if you get the same knowledge many times in similar situations or through thought or intuition, then the appearance of this knowledge will form a habit, and it will automatically appear in similar situations in the future, so that you are almost unaware of its existence. It's a function of human evolution. Core beliefs are the core beliefs that you teach your children. My core belief is to respect children and give children freedom; Some mother's belief is: strict requirements, frustration education is good for children; Some dads' core belief is that children must excel everywhere; Some parents' belief is: the child should be obedient, what I do is good for the child, so what is right. These core beliefs will be "implemented" into all aspects of the education of children, forming the corresponding automatic thinking, root and sprout! Every automated thought solidifies into habits of emotion and behavior. Therefore, core beliefs are very important, in order to fundamentally change their unreasonable emotions and behaviors, the first thing to change is their core beliefs. Of course, everyone is free to make his own choice. But from the perspective of mental health and long-term development, I recommend the core beliefs of "respect children, accept children, and give children freedom." This is what I insist on, is advocated by teacher CAI Zhenni, is also advocated by teacher Yin Jianli. Core beliefs do not change, want to change their emotions and behavior, like the fate of the fish, not also difficult! However, after reading the two teachers' books, many parents have basically accepted the core belief of "respecting children, accepting children, and giving children freedom", but the truth is understood, or can't do it, why? In many cases, it is the existence of automated thinking that unknowingly leads to emotions and behaviors that you do not want to see. And you usually don't know it exists, so you usually don't change it. Even if you read the books of Teacher Yin and CAI Zhenni, it seems that you also accept reasonable core beliefs, because most of the automatic thinking you have formed will not automatically change, and the corresponding emotions and behaviors will still be "waves". It is important to understand this, to know how automated thinking is formed, and the same is true of changing it. Imagine a situation (children eating), if your previous automatic thinking is thought 2, now after thinking to form a reasonable cognition (idea 1), you choose this reasonable cognition every time, after several times to form a new automated thinking. Then you won't be angry, and you won't have to hold back at all. . Some time ago, I wrote a blog post, saying that reading Teacher Yin's book can not only focus on learning "art", but forget to learn "Tao". It should also be added that we should not only learn the theory, but also work hard to think about how to apply it in various aspects to change the automatic thinking. 7, my advice (1) Read more CAI, Yin two teachers' books, (you can also read my blog) to reflect on their core thinking. (2) If you agree with such an educational thought, first reflect on your emotions and behaviors generated by a certain event: what are the contradictions between your automatic thinking and reasonable core thinking, and then form a new reasonable belief. (3) After several iterations, reasonable beliefs form new automated thinking, so far, the adjustment of unreasonable emotions and behaviors corresponding to such events is "little success"! (4) If this reflection can be sustained over a period of time, in many situations will form a new reasonable belief, it is done. 8, for example, the most angry thing for parents to children is that children do not listen to their own greetings, disobedient. Let him do his homework dilly-dally, a anonymous fire burst into his heart, Shouting, reprimanding, and even beating him to solve his heart. Analysis, if you are very angry, it is difficult to suppress, must vent, so the subsequent behavior is natural. So the fundamental way is to be able to achieve the mentality. What say you? Take a second look and change your perspective. First of all, the core thinking, the core thinking here is that children should listen to their parents, this you can think about whether it is very appropriate, whether you can change a more reasonable cognition. I personally think: children are not born to be obedient, not soldiers, do not have to do what is forbidden, he also has his own rhythm, not necessarily synchronized with his own. Then analyze the automated thinking, it may be: Let you write homework, why so slow? Think about it at this time, there are many reasons for his procrastination, these need to be slowly studied to solve, may need a process to gradually solve, think about their bad habits can be corrected immediately? That's a lot to think about. Think like this every time you encounter this situation, and then cooperate with the method of developing good habits of children, you will develop a new automatic thinking, and anger will be less and less. 9, Can also change personality Cognitive therapy can be used to change not only the mood and behavior in the child's education, but also in many other aspects of mood and behavior. If many aspects change, believe that the character will also change. I know this firsthand, and it's very powerful. Stay tuned for a follow-up blog post on how to Change your personality with cognitive therapy. My method is not easy to use, it requires persistence and perseverance, but it works. If you want to change yourself easily, educate your children, I'm sorry I let you down. But if you're willing to put in the effort, congratulations, you're on the right track!